The untold joys of a Clandestine Bitch!

The month of April ended wonderfully for me. As usual I went a-travelling to Purnea, Bihar. This time the purpose was to document and undertake a qualitative research of an ongoing Mother's Literacy project.

Naturally how the program is running, what do mother's have to say about it etc are going to be part of the report that I hope I would be able to come up with.

Now during the course of my stay in Purnea, I got into a bit of a squabble, it was rather mature because I was really unable to 'carpe diem' as it were and therefore was left mostly frustrated with my sheer inability already. Since I more often than not find a way to vent my anger, this time around, my beloved took the beating. I was deeply saddened at such a peculiar disposition, however, I feel perhaps, that my love for this man concerned is bigger, larger than day to day work squabbles and so we kiss and make up...

 My next best bet was to pray to the Indian scriptures that maybe, that Karma may get back at this person concerned and what many would consider to be the ideal case is if I were to witness such benevolence played out infront of my eyes.

As providence would have it, the above mentioned person was going to pay and pay oh so dearly for the much unwonted remarks of just a few hours before. She along with another were to undertake a train trip homeward bound to Delhi from Purnea. Their tickets were wait-listed-but most believed it would be confirmed by the hour of their travel. Arriving on the platform, with the train poised to leave, She checked the lists frantically to ensure the tickets were confirmed and they had proper seats...Karma be praised...there were no such confirmed seats and neither did their names show up on this list.

Return they must, it was now much more than merely an insult meted out by fate if they were to return to the hotel room in Purnea, so they paid for a sleeper class ticket and shared a single seat.

For the uninitiated, train rides of such kinds are particularly tedious- they last for more than 24 hours where you feel like you could set up shop right there. Over and above that if you did not get a place to sleep it is just painful...I was gleeful, joyous most definitely when I heard the occurence of this.

Its been 3 days to the event and I do not regret one bit of my feeling happy when I saw Karma play itself out right infront of me. I am quite certain that the bitches and bastards of this little limited world of mine would have gleed sometime in such fate that befell me. I am certain I am not immune to it in the future...but why not be atleast a clandestine bitch when I can...! 

So normally whenever a few trusted and close friends of mine suggest somethings or offer some advice, I take it...as snobbish as I may appear, there are very few people in my life whose opinion matters to me and more suitably when it matches mine.

So I took one such advice of giving myself a week to come up with a timetable that will work for me. I dont plan to quit my job because I'll go mad if I did. the requirement from this examination is not all that much, as I understand from the way my sister is studying for her semester exams in D'school.

I have had a wonderfully relaxing life in comparison, During my masters I was travelling the world, meeting new people, making journal entries, and learning maps. I necessarily believe however that every country has its own rules, if you dont rough it out on this soil, this soil aint gonna give you back much.

So here I am, back on this soil, learning more everyday of the issues that touch millions of people in this country, and trying to make some small difference- i cant but help thinking that it is so driven of the self, that ultimately I am just thinking of my goals, and ambitions and I give it the illusion of being the 'bigger picture'.

My job makes me travel across the villages of this country, I get to see children studying in schools and make shift arrangements, receiving education, dreams of becoming doctors from the remotest parts and that inspires me.

My relatives ofcourse cant help praising me when they hear what I do...They feel that I actually go and teach these kids...this perception of theirs and the inability to comprehend even the surface problems like how could I possibly teach kids in places where the languages are so different, where dialects make all the difference, and how could I be doing anything substantial by just visiting some villages for just a few days...are questions that never cross their mind...perhaps they have seen much of this world, and lived long in this country.

Not many of them listen to what I have to say, its hardly about credibility, its just that it does not matter, because it does not touch their lives. I am not a crusader, neither a saint.

So the point is that I was told by a very dear friend that it is the darkest before dawn and if there is only failure and no light, the only way out of this is to work hard, to give your mind no space to wallow or think of things past.

Plus when nothing works, when the love of my life is exhausted after numerous trials of encouraging and motivating me on this long empty road, I turn to the words of Rabindranath Tagore - "jodi tor daak shune keyu Na aasshe tobe ekla cholo re."

BE WARNED

I usually listen to music when I am at work, because it blocks the outside noise for me.

However, after listening to this particular song I was overcome with a feeling of doom, utter and complete, out of which there is no exit. I became breathless and to my mind crossed the following thought- while its correct that our life we have choices to make it great or just ruin it and never get our things together, what if there was actually no choice and it was all destined? And what if my destiny was as dark as I just felt?

Now a single piece of music could do that to me, I doubt, there are perhaps many sub-conscious factors...but this song was a trigger.

The funny bit is that the picturization and the wordings of the song are really contrary to the feeling it evoked in me-its a romantic song:

So I tried to think what about this piece could do that to me- I feel its the music, I mean just take the words out for a second, the beautiful scenery and all and what if you heard it in a place where you were all alone, there is a quietness to the song and the beats which seem waiting to culminate to place from where there is no return.

I was positively disturbed!